New Causal Variable Of WW I Recently Uncovered

We all know Franz Ferdinand's assassination in Sarajevo was one of many causes of the Great War. A second, though more indirect cause, was the death of the Kaiser Wilhelm I in 1888 and the subsequent ouster of Otto Von Bismarck--and the complex system of alliances he created and manipulated for the ~20 years before--by Wilhelm II. A third cause was the total commitment of the French military to purely offensive war (rather than maintaining a balance between offense and defense) around the turn of the century leading to a "Cult of the Offensive" in other European states, the crux of which was 'defense will lose, offense will win.' A fourth cause was the UK's construction of the HMS Dreadnought in 1906, spawning a naval arms race and triggering a security dilemma across Europe.

Et cetera, et cetera.

However, new documents have been unearthed recently in the Vatican Archives, and they only further obscure the beginnings and causes of the war.

Essentially, after the assassination, Austria-Hungary wanted to make the Serbs pay for their crime. After all, it was a group of Serbian nationalists calling themselves the "Black Spoon" who shot the Archduke and his wife. They were simply fed up with not only Austro-Hungarian oppression, but also the strict codes regarding the consumption of baked goods and the insistence on using the official utensil of the Empire (and unofficially of Germany): the Fork.

The Austro-Hungarians turned to their allies--the Germans--for reassurance. They received a blank check from the Germans for full military support. Both states knew if the Austro-Hungarians put down the Serbs, it would inflame Russia and possibly start a war. What they didn't know was that Russia had made a secret pact with France to come to her aid in the event of a German attack, and vice versa. The reason for this secret pact: the French Silk Pie and Russian Spoon industry were interconnected.

All over France at the time people were enjoying their delicious national dessert with stainless steel, high quality Russian spoons. The French hated the fork, which they saw as representing Teutonic values. However, they came to adore the spoon because Russia was seen as a solid ally when no other state would pledge to come to her aid in the aftermath of the Franco-Prussian war. Indeed, though spoons were initially produced in Russia, they came to be seen as a symbol of French nationalism and pride, especially after Russia exited the war earlier than the other allies.

Anyway, in July of 1914, about 3 weeks after the assassination, the Austro-Hungarians gave the Serbians an ultimatum consisting of about 10 requirements. The Austro-Hungarians didn't think the Serbians would acquiesce, but they did, except for one: They didn't want to use the dreaded forks anymore. They wanted to be free to use whatever utensil they desired (Serbia was also known for their complex and delicious soups, the makers of which had been forced underground in the years prior along with their outlawed spoons).

Austria-Hungary used this denial as a pretext to mobilize their troops against Serbia. As expected, Russia mobilized in support of the Serbs.

Germany then decided to implement their secret war plan code-named: The Schlieffen Plan (aka Forkekreig). They knew Russia would take a long time to mobilize, so they planned on marching through Belgium unmolested, around the French troops mobilized on the German border, to take Paris and secure a French surrender. This being successful, they planned on turning around to meet the Russians in the east. Forkekreig was supposed to allow Germany to fight on one front at a time.

Unfortunately, the Germans wussed out, and left about 100,000 of their troops to defend Berlin, instead of sending them all like the plan stated.

After World War I, a movement was started to put both forks and spoons in the silverware drawers of French and German households. Companies were persuaded to sell both kinds of eating utensils in combo packs for people to buy, and an extra compartment was added to the utensil holders in drawers for the new silverware. The idea was metaphoric in nature: If spoons and forks could exist peacefully in the same drawer, why couldn't France and Germany coexist on the Continent?

This movement was temporarily sidelined during World War II. In fact, the French were known to throw forks at the occupying German forces not only because of the statement of French pride inherent in the act, but also because the points of the fork might actually draw some blood. Also, fleeing French families were known to take their forks with them, leaving only the spoons for the German soldiers and hence lowering German morale.

This was the start of the United Nations, and is why forks and spoons are seen in silverware drawers together today.