Sometimes I Get Bored At Stoplights...

..and I'm able to take pictures.

These are some of the perks of driving a scooter. Or perhaps just having a camera phone.

Summer Doldrum..

Not to mention summer boredom.

My brain is withering away while I'm not in school this summer. This is the first time I've actually thought I shouldn't be wasting a summer away doing nothing. Well, technically I'm not doing "nothing." I'm working around 35 to 40 hours per week, which only barely keeps my head above water 'til the sweet sweet sound of $€₤₣₧₪ comes my way in the form of [STUDENT LOAN]. That should happen 'round August.

--

I'm looking forward with great anticipation and furious restlessness-ish (mouthful that) to the release in paperback of Sandworms of Dune, the much anticipated follow-up to Hunters of Dune, both written by the son of legendary Dune creator and author Frank Herbert, Brian (and his co-author Kevin J. Anderson). Finally I will have some closure to this story, which has been lingering in my psyche like an old high school acquaintance at the 10 year reunion near the bar, hoping someone--anyone--will come talk to them.

--

I had to take a message at work today, and while taking down this man's name, I was reminded of a really funny thing that I can't now for the life of me remember.... the beginning of Spaceballs when the ship kept going by the camera, and going by, and going by... I'll try to replay the conversation as best as I can recall:

[ME] Capel Rugs, this is Jon.
[THE GUY] Hi can I speak to Marie please?
Uh, she's with a customer just now, can I take a message and have her call you?
Sure, my name is Paul Medjiewzcavcrmqrlski.
Ok, [slight pause] Paul--
Here lemme--
Yeah, I need some help--
Yeah, I'll spell it, it's M-E-D-J-I-E-W-
{{during this time I'm in my head attempting to guess at the next letter}}
{{S?}} -Z- {{R?}} -C- {{I?}} -A- {{V?}} -V- {{YES! uh..oops too late}} -C- {{uh..}} -R- {{a vowel?}} -M- {{Damnit!}} -Q- {{Q??}} -R- {{it's still going}} -L- {{And not a vowel to be found...I wonder if it's Polish?}} -S-K-I. {{That seals it}}

Is that Polish?
That's right!
Yeah, I've been there.
Ok--
I'll be sure to give her the message.
Great--
Thanks, have a good one.

This call took approximately 17 minutes.

Well it was funny to me.

--

I have adopted a NASCAR Driver! (not to mention a completely different voice--think T. Herman Zweibel--but only for that one sentence.)

His name be #18.

#18 doesn't care what he drives, as long as he's winning. #18 is only ~5 years older than his #, but he knows how to win. Winning is what he has helped Toyota and Joe Gibbs Racing do 5 times this year (plus when Denny Hamlin won, who's also with Toyota and JGR). I don't care that he's with Toyota, I just care that he drives the shit out of his car and is constantly in the mix. He's damn entertaining to watch.

For those of you who don't know, he's also [South Park Southern-Guy Voice] the guy-what-put Junior into the wall at Richmond 3 laps before the checkered, that fucker [/South Park Southern-Guy Voice].

That's important because Junior (Dale Earnhardt's son) is the Anointed One to many NASCAR fans. Lots. Tons. Like, all of 'em. Even me, who rooted for him as he finally broke his 70+ "Cup Points Race" losing streak in Michigan a few weeks ago. Some folks don't like 18, but the fans cheered his victory in Sonoma last weekend, at one of the few NASCAR road races. The kid's a gamer, and he's hell behind the wheel.

Now, if only I could get a #18 sticker for my scooter (which remains nameless), one without M&M's all over it..

Genuine Roughhouse 50

When I first bought the scooter, it was restricted to only 35 mph, and it didn't accelerate very well. For $70, I had it de-restricted, and now goes 45mph (50+ down a hill!) and gets there much quicker. I'm so happy with it.

Livin' like a damn Euro-commie-hippie.

So far I'm averaging right around 78mpg. It was actually less the first tank of gas, but I think that's because I was following the break-in procedure the dealer talked to me about (varying the throttle). I only have about 280 miles on it so far, so I wonder if it will "loosen up" after awhile. Some folks on BBSs have talked about how their acceleration, top end and gas mileage get slightly better after this happens.

Speed is just a state of mind..

So I was riding down my alley way tonight after work, and I had to go around a guy walking in the road. He caught up to me while I was locking my scoot up to the telephone pole outside my front door: "Man, you got it made there!" Me: "Yup."

"That thing must get 50mpg!"

{big grin} "80."

"Oh shit! I gotta get me one of them!"

{slapping the bed of my truck} "It's way better than driving this baby!"

[end scene]

I've had that conversation so many times these past couple weeks. Well, except for the truck-slapping part.

It's Outside My Front Door

And it's green and goes 35 mph (45 downhill!) and cost me $3.60 to fill up. Premium. 93 Octane.

Have.

I did a practice commute tonight. It took me about 35 minutes--20 minutes longer than usual--but I'm ok with that.

More pics and stories to follow.

Finally..

After pulling about seven all-nighters (and promising each time never to do it again), the semester is finally over! [much applause, whistles and scattered catcalls]

So much relief, now I can work all summer and make money. What am I currently employed doing? I've titled my job thusly: Rug Jockey. Basically I roll up the rugs, clip them, hoist them onto my shoulder, climb up a ladder and hang them up. If someone wants to see a rug on the ground, I use two bamboo sticks to un-clip the rugs one clip at a time, doing the two on the outside last, deftly striking them at the same time to use gravity to bring the rug down in one fluid motion.

Worst part about the job: 29 miles round trip. 19mpg + 25 gal tank + $3.50 and up per gallon of 87 = $75 every two weeks. My solution?

Want.

The full monty on this thing here.

Conservatively, it would save me 60 bucks a week month in gas. I'd be paying it off for a little while; it's out the door price is around $2100. But check it: I don't need to get a special license for it, I don't need to put plates on it, I don't need insurance on it, and I don't need to pay taxes on it every year. How FREAKING awesome would that be?

Unfortunately my credit score is in the low 600s. I'm high risk because I've never had a credit card (no self trust). But I'm 28 now, damnit. I think I can get a credit card and not go on a wild shopping spree within 30 seconds of activating it (except for this scooter, but that doesn't count).

Plus, if I got really crazy (and rich), I could do this with it.

It's almost too much. Almost.

I just received my hush money stimulus package money last night, and I really want to do something anti-establishment with it. Wouldn't this be just perfect?

I Wish To Meet This Person

Saw this the other day. I was laughing so hard at the lower bumper sticker, I didn't even see the other one 'til I got home.

New Causal Variable Of WW I Recently Uncovered

We all know Franz Ferdinand's assassination in Sarajevo was one of many causes of the Great War. A second, though more indirect cause, was the death of the Kaiser Wilhelm I in 1888 and the subsequent ouster of Otto Von Bismarck--and the complex system of alliances he created and manipulated for the ~20 years before--by Wilhelm II. A third cause was the total commitment of the French military to purely offensive war (rather than maintaining a balance between offense and defense) around the turn of the century leading to a "Cult of the Offensive" in other European states, the crux of which was 'defense will lose, offense will win.' A fourth cause was the UK's construction of the HMS Dreadnought in 1906, spawning a naval arms race and triggering a security dilemma across Europe.

Et cetera, et cetera.

However, new documents have been unearthed recently in the Vatican Archives, and they only further obscure the beginnings and causes of the war.

Essentially, after the assassination, Austria-Hungary wanted to make the Serbs pay for their crime. After all, it was a group of Serbian nationalists calling themselves the "Black Spoon" who shot the Archduke and his wife. They were simply fed up with not only Austro-Hungarian oppression, but also the strict codes regarding the consumption of baked goods and the insistence on using the official utensil of the Empire (and unofficially of Germany): the Fork.

The Austro-Hungarians turned to their allies--the Germans--for reassurance. They received a blank check from the Germans for full military support. Both states knew if the Austro-Hungarians put down the Serbs, it would inflame Russia and possibly start a war. What they didn't know was that Russia had made a secret pact with France to come to her aid in the event of a German attack, and vice versa. The reason for this secret pact: the French Silk Pie and Russian Spoon industry were interconnected.

All over France at the time people were enjoying their delicious national dessert with stainless steel, high quality Russian spoons. The French hated the fork, which they saw as representing Teutonic values. However, they came to adore the spoon because Russia was seen as a solid ally when no other state would pledge to come to her aid in the aftermath of the Franco-Prussian war. Indeed, though spoons were initially produced in Russia, they came to be seen as a symbol of French nationalism and pride, especially after Russia exited the war earlier than the other allies.

Anyway, in July of 1914, about 3 weeks after the assassination, the Austro-Hungarians gave the Serbians an ultimatum consisting of about 10 requirements. The Austro-Hungarians didn't think the Serbians would acquiesce, but they did, except for one: They didn't want to use the dreaded forks anymore. They wanted to be free to use whatever utensil they desired (Serbia was also known for their complex and delicious soups, the makers of which had been forced underground in the years prior along with their outlawed spoons).

Austria-Hungary used this denial as a pretext to mobilize their troops against Serbia. As expected, Russia mobilized in support of the Serbs.

Germany then decided to implement their secret war plan code-named: The Schlieffen Plan (aka Forkekreig). They knew Russia would take a long time to mobilize, so they planned on marching through Belgium unmolested, around the French troops mobilized on the German border, to take Paris and secure a French surrender. This being successful, they planned on turning around to meet the Russians in the east. Forkekreig was supposed to allow Germany to fight on one front at a time.

Unfortunately, the Germans wussed out, and left about 100,000 of their troops to defend Berlin, instead of sending them all like the plan stated.

After World War I, a movement was started to put both forks and spoons in the silverware drawers of French and German households. Companies were persuaded to sell both kinds of eating utensils in combo packs for people to buy, and an extra compartment was added to the utensil holders in drawers for the new silverware. The idea was metaphoric in nature: If spoons and forks could exist peacefully in the same drawer, why couldn't France and Germany coexist on the Continent?

This movement was temporarily sidelined during World War II. In fact, the French were known to throw forks at the occupying German forces not only because of the statement of French pride inherent in the act, but also because the points of the fork might actually draw some blood. Also, fleeing French families were known to take their forks with them, leaving only the spoons for the German soldiers and hence lowering German morale.

This was the start of the United Nations, and is why forks and spoons are seen in silverware drawers together today.