Wednesday, April 23, 2008

New Causal Variable Of WW I Recently Uncovered

We all know Franz Ferdinand's assassination in Sarajevo was one of many causes of the Great War. A second, though more indirect cause, was the death of the Kaiser Wilhelm I in 1888 and the subsequent ouster of Otto Von Bismarck--and the complex system of alliances he created and manipulated for the ~20 years before--by Wilhelm II. A third cause was the total commitment of the French military to purely offensive war (rather than maintaining a balance between offense and defense) around the turn of the century leading to a "Cult of the Offensive" in other European states, the crux of which was 'defense will lose, offense will win.' A fourth cause was the UK's construction of the HMS Dreadnought in 1906, spawning a naval arms race and triggering a security dilemma across Europe.

Et cetera, et cetera.

However, new documents have been unearthed recently in the Vatican Archives, and they only further obscure the beginnings and causes of the war.

Essentially, after the assassination, Austria-Hungary wanted to make the Serbs pay for their crime. After all, it was a group of Serbian nationalists calling themselves the "Black Spoon" who shot the Archduke and his wife. They were simply fed up with not only Austro-Hungarian oppression, but also the strict codes regarding the consumption of baked goods and the insistence on using the official utensil of the Empire (and unofficially of Germany): the Fork.

The Austro-Hungarians turned to their allies--the Germans--for reassurance. They received a blank check from the Germans for full military support. Both states knew if the Austro-Hungarians put down the Serbs, it would inflame Russia and possibly start a war. What they didn't know was that Russia had made a secret pact with France to come to her aid in the event of a German attack, and vice versa. The reason for this secret pact: the French Silk Pie and Russian Spoon industry were interconnected.

All over France at the time people were enjoying their delicious national dessert with stainless steel, high quality Russian spoons. The French hated the fork, which they saw as representing Teutonic values. However, they came to adore the spoon because Russia was seen as a solid ally when no other state would pledge to come to her aid in the aftermath of the Franco-Prussian war. Indeed, though spoons were initially produced in Russia, they came to be seen as a symbol of French nationalism and pride, especially after Russia exited the war earlier than the other allies.

Anyway, in July of 1914, about 3 weeks after the assassination, the Austro-Hungarians gave the Serbians an ultimatum consisting of about 10 requirements. The Austro-Hungarians didn't think the Serbians would acquiesce, but they did, except for one: They didn't want to use the dreaded forks anymore. They wanted to be free to use whatever utensil they desired (Serbia was also known for their complex and delicious soups, the makers of which had been forced underground in the years prior along with their outlawed spoons).

Austria-Hungary used this denial as a pretext to mobilize their troops against Serbia. As expected, Russia mobilized in support of the Serbs.

Germany then decided to implement their secret war plan code-named: The Schlieffen Plan (aka Forkekreig). They knew Russia would take a long time to mobilize, so they planned on marching through Belgium unmolested, around the French troops mobilized on the German border, to take Paris and secure a French surrender. This being successful, they planned on turning around to meet the Russians in the east. Forkekreig was supposed to allow Germany to fight on one front at a time.

Unfortunately, the Germans wussed out, and left about 100,000 of their troops to defend Berlin, instead of sending them all like the plan stated.

After World War I, a movement was started to put both forks and spoons in the silverware drawers of French and German households. Companies were persuaded to sell both kinds of eating utensils in combo packs for people to buy, and an extra compartment was added to the utensil holders in drawers for the new silverware. The idea was metaphoric in nature: If spoons and forks could exist peacefully in the same drawer, why couldn't France and Germany coexist on the Continent?

This movement was temporarily sidelined during World War II. In fact, the French were known to throw forks at the occupying German forces not only because of the statement of French pride inherent in the act, but also because the points of the fork might actually draw some blood. Also, fleeing French families were known to take their forks with them, leaving only the spoons for the German soldiers and hence lowering German morale.

This was the start of the United Nations, and is why forks and spoons are seen in silverware drawers together today.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Unlocked Cell Phone

I unlocked my cell phone today. It was easy, I called T-Mobile yesterday and they e-mailed me the unlock code today. This means I can travel overseas and still use my phone. All I have to do is change out the SIM card to a pre-paid one in whatever country I go to.

Am I planning on going anywhere? No. But if I did, I wouldn't be without my trusty telefono.

In other news, I tried hax0ring my way into a class for next semester and failed miserably. I set up a script to attempt to get into Homeland Security 330 every 30 seconds. I thought I was being clever, but they cut you off after 2000 attempts.

FAIL:
"You have made too many attempts to register this term. Contact your registrar for assistance."

That took about 8 hours or so. All told, I attempted to register 2133 times according to the guy I spoke with over the phone. "Mr. McLaughlin, you might want to make sure you don't have a virus on your computer. It appears you attempted to register for a class over 2000 times."

Heh, no, I don't have a virus...

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Why FWDs Suck

Getting e-mail is fun. Getting FWDs isn't. I hate them. I usually delete them reflexively.

There are two main types of forwards: the political FWD and the FWD-this-on-for-good-luck or FWD-this-so-Timmy-can-live or some other bullshit. The political ones usually contain inane, inaccurate or downright incorrect information, and serve mainly to spread stupidity. The second type are no better, but are probably more prevalent.

(I do acknowledge a third type of FWD--the Joke FWD--but because of the associative property, they are ignored as quickly as possible).

I'm feeling all atwitter about this because I received one such political FWD from a person in my extended family. It was about illegal immigration, and I couldn't help but respond. I will reprint the letter here in full, along with my response. Keep in mind, the audience for my response is mostly unknown to me.

Here is the FWD:

> What costs more per year than the Iraq War?
>
> I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again
> until they are read so many times that the reader gets sick of
> reading them. I have included the URL's for verification of the
> following facts:
>
> 1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each
> year. http://tinyurl.com/zob77
>
> 2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs such
> as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal aliens.
> http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html
>
> 3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal aliens.
> http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html
>
> 4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school
> education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of
> English ! http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.0.html
>
> 5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the
> American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.
> http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
>
> 6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.
> http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
>
> 7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.
> http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt..01.html
>
> 8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare and
> Social Services by the American taxpayers.
> http://premium.cnn.com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html
>
> 9. $200 Billion Dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused
> by the illegal aliens.
> http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
>
> 10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's
> two-and-a-half times that of white non-illegal aliens.. In particular,
> their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the
> US http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0606/12/ldt.01.html
>
> 11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens
> that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal aliens
> from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine, meth,
> heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U. S from the Southern border.
> Homeland Security Report. http://tinyurl.com/t9sht
>
> 12. The National Policy Institute, 'estimated that the total cost of
> mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an average
> cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five year period.'
> http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/deportation.pdf
>
> 13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances back to
> their countries of origin. http://www.rense.com/general75/niht.htm
>
> 14. 'The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One Million Sex Crimes
> Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States ' http://www.drdsk
> .com/articleshtml
> Total cost is a whooping ... $338.3 BILLION A YEAR!!!
> If this doesn't bother you then just delete the message, but on the other
> hand, if it does raise the hair on the back of your neck, then forward
> it.
>
> Snopes is provided for doubters:
> http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/bankofamerica.asp

>
> Social Security Change For 2008
>
> The United States Senate voted to extend Social Security Benefits to
> Illegal Aliens beginning in 2008. The following are the senators who
> voted to give illegal aliens Social Security benefits. They are grouped
> by home state. If a state is not listed, there was no voting
> representative.
>
> Alaska : Stevens (R)
> Arizona : McCain (R)
> Arkansas : Lincoln (D) Pryor (D)
> Califo rnia : Boxer (D) Feinstein (D)
> Colorado : Salazar (D)
> Connecticut : Dodd (D) Lieberman (D)
> Delaware : Biden (D) Carper (D)
> Florida : Martinez (R)
> Hawaii : Akaka (D) Inouye (D)
> Illinois : Durbin (D) Obama (D)
> Indiana : Bayh (D) Lugar (R)
> Iowa : Harkin (D)
> Kansas : Brownback (R)
> Louisiana : Landrieu (D)
> Maryland : Mikulski (D) Sarbanes (D)
> Massachusetts : Kennedy (D) Kerry (D)
> Montana : Baucus (D)
> Nebraska : Hagel (R)
> Nevada : Reid (D)
> New Jersey : Lautenberg (D) Menendez (D)
> New Mexico : Bingaman (D)
> New York : Clinton (D) Schumer (D)
> North Dakota : Dorgan (D)
> Ohio : DeWine (R) Voinovich(R)
> Oregon : Wyden (D)
> Pennsylvania : Specter (R)
> Rhode Island : Chafee (R) Reed (D)
> South Carolina : Graham (R)
> South Dakota : Johnson (D)
> Vermont : Jeffords (I) Leahy (D)
> Washington : Cantwell (D) Murray (D)
> West Virginia : Rockefeller (D), by Not Voting
> Wisconsin : Feingold (D) Kohl (D)
>
>
> SEND THIS TO ALL YOU KNOW. THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES
> NEEDS TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION, UNLESS THEY DON'T MIND SHARING THEIR
> SOCIAL SECURITY WITH FOREIGN WORKERS who didn't pay in a dime into the
> fund.
>
> LET US SHOW OUR LEADERS IN WASHINGTON 'PEOPLE POWER' AND THE POWER OF THE
> INTERNET. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU ARE REPUBLICAN, DEMOCRAT OR
> INDEPENDENT! KEEP IT GOING!!

And here is my response:

I don't get it. Is this supposed to make me feel bad that we are spending so much on illegal aliens, or that we're spending so much on the Iraq War?

I'm actually writing a paper right now on Illegal Immigration, and Lou Dobbs (who is cited often in this e-mail) represents only one side of the argument (and in fact some of the links in the e-mail don't even work). Of all the citations listed here, www.cis.org is a probably the most in depth and non-partisan. I would recommend that site for further reading on this issue. As for the Congress, there are plenty of options available to them; a primary roadblock to passing any sort of reform is the ideologues who refuse to acknowledge any form of compromise.

I don't want to bore everybody with my opinions on what should or shouldn't be done, I'm merely pointing out this is only ONE side of the argument.

Additionally, comparing the illegal immigration issue to the War in Iraq is like comparing apples to oranges. Admittedly, it all boils down to dollars and cents, but the e-mail could make the argument better by contrasting it to the monumental amount of pork-barrel spending appropriated by Congress, which goes into the actual budget. How is this different than the money Congress appropriates for the Iraq War? Simply put, funding for the war has largely been in the form of Emergency Supplemental Appropriations, which don't count against budget caps. Take a look at figure two (on page 12 of the .pdf) on this website:

http://www.cbo.gov/ftpdocs/89xx/doc8971/02-11-WarCosts_Letter.pdf

You'll notice these figures come from the Congressional Budget Office, who's mandate is to provide:
  • Objective, nonpartisan, and timely analyses to aid in economic and budgetary decisions on the wide array of programs covered by the federal budget and

  • The information and estimates required for the Congressional budget process.
[ quoted from http://cbo.gov/aboutcbo/ ]

Something to chew on..

Jon McLaughlin

If you're still with me here, let me ask you, the reader: how are these FWDs increasing our understanding of the issues?

Let me take this to another level: When the television was first introduced, it was hailed as a potentially great teaching instrument. Can the internet not be the fulfillment of that goal? I probably am asking too much of people, but hopefully the internet will be able to provide both sides of any given issue much better than TV has done.

Anyway, I've gotten off track.

The point is, don't send me FWD's. If you do, expect either an argument or total silence in response.

Jon

PS Happy Birthday to Me!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Our Old Roommate -- We Hardly Knew Ye

Our poor, hapless former roommate. We had but a scant few weeks to get to know you. Yes, much of our relationship was soured due to some epic miscommunication. It's true, there was some hostility after that, probably on both sides.

Ah well, it's all over now. Like the Browns leaving Cleveland for greener pastures in Baltimore (that's like saying you'd rather eat the chicken's liver than the pancreas), you found it necessary to pack all your belongings up in the middle of the night and skip out. No note, no goodbye, no good luck in all your future endeavors. No, you chose the fly-by-night option. That's cool, we're not judging you. We're actually a little sad to see you go. We had some good times while you were here; we shared some laughs, drank some beers, talked about whatever.

We do have a couple questions though. What was the greasy stuff on the wall at the head of the bed? We can only assume it was hair grease, but one never knows in these situations. It didn't seem like you were a frequent visitor to the shower, so we can only speculate. Also, why did you find it necessary to leave the cigarettes burning in the window sill? Maybe it's just us, but we tend to have a modicum of respect for other people's belongings, especially brand new windows. And it was cool that you duck-taped the door shut and put a piece of cloth under the door while you smoked to evade our no-smoking rule, but couldn't you have at least picked off the duck-tape residue after you were finished? I'm just sayin'..

So goodbye, former roommate, off in the night wherever you may be! It was unfortunate that we hardly got to know ye!